I think all these Mom's (who are friends) on Facebook that are so dedicated to exercising are amazing. I don't seem to be very good at following through (I think I am lazy and know that I hate exercising). I do well for three or four days and then poof back to not exercising. I am so impressed by all of these beautiful Mom's who are dedicated to looking wonderful.
Every time I read about their work outs or how they feel sore from exercise. I am happy for them but I feel so lousy about my lack of dedication to getting in shape and eating right. Continually beating my self up mentally for being fat. I look at old pictures of when I was thin and think maybe I should try to get that way again to look good in clothes before I am so old that no matter what size I am I will be old and wrinkly. I will look back in time and see I avoided cameras because I looked like a moose. Those were the years I should have looked thinner and prettier. If I keep gaining weight my kids may get embarrassed that they have the fat Mom. I don't like being around friends as much because even though they would never say it to my face in their mind at some point they will look at me and think, "Wow, Valerie has put on some weight". This doesn't mean they don't like me but in the back of their mind they may think, "Too bad she can't try to loose some weight. She would sure look a lot nicer.".
All of this makes me want to hide out so nobody can see me. I know that by feeling this way it should somehow give me the ambition to work on this problem. Question for myself is why am I not doing anything about it? Only answer I can come up with is that I am too lazy and don't want to stop eating all of the wrong things. Then I ask myself would I rather eat the fat than look good? Answer seems to be yes (I wish it weren't true). Why is that? Some part of me feels very deprived when I can't have what it is that I am wanting. To know that my husband may tell me, "You don't need that". In my mind I know I don't but I sure am craving it and I am going to have it. After I eat it I feel horrible. Nothing is really satisfying. So here is the next question for my self. What is the real problem? To tell the honest truth, " I hate living in Las Vegas where it is hot (for me) 8months out of the year and it makes me feel worn out just going to the store in 90-113 degree weather. I don't do well in the heat and never have. I am always hot here! I miss having friends to talk to like I did when I lived up North. I call people but they are never home because they have busy lives. Or those with kids I don't want to bother. I love and adore both my husband and daughter but I miss being able to find someone to not only talk to and but listen to, too. I miss hearing about peoples lives both past and present. I miss laughing with people. I do laugh with my family but it would be nice to expand that circle.
I know people have suggested parents groups, churches and other things but it isn't the same to me. The people are not the same. They don't talk about the stuff that all those other people talked about. Nobody cares about other people experiences other than their own because they are so busy. Which puts the value of the relationship in a very limited capacity. I love it when people make me think. The weather (unless it is extreme weather like tornado's, hurricanes, etc) and what people have to do is very boring. Now what people experience? That is much more interesting. You can go to the bank. But when you to the bank and something happens maybe you see a three legged dog who walks on his hind legs or you are able to chat with someone in line and they too have a great story. These are the things that make life interesting.
Wow, I went off on a tangent! Big surprise to those who know me, that is so me.
To go back to my original problem. Here is the big question, will I ever be thin again? Will I ever gain the will power need to lose some weight? I sure hope so. I hate being fat but I guess I haven't hated it enough to do anything about it but feel bad about how I look to myself and others. Clothes shopping is something I dread. I look so large and nothing fits well.
I hope if you are reading this that you don't feel like I have wasted your time. If you feel that way. I am sorry but it does feel good to get some of my thoughts out. Thank you for your time.
