Have you ever said something that you now realize was nothing like what your heart or thoughts really wanted to say or what you thought in your head came out sounding all wrong? Now you wish you could grab those words back, Sometimes they come out sounding down right stupid or maybe even rude possibly mean? Your intentions may have been anything but rude, mean, or stupid. But now you don't have a clue how to fix it. Even claiming that wasn't your intent you want to crawl into the nearest crevice and hide. I have thought a lot about intent for some time now. Having smaller kids I have tried to always ask when they get hurt whether it is their feelings or physically, what was the other child's intention? Did they say or do something to be mean or was it an accident?
The same methods could be applied to adults. I know for me, I have said things the wrong way. I believe that my dyslexic brain processes things a little backwards and even different. I send messages and realize that even my sentence structure isn't often not the best way and sometimes difficult for others to understand if I don't take the time to scrutinize over each and every word and sometimes it is still not right. I have always loved my friends and have been so appreciative when they like me for me and all of my mistakes. My intention towards my friends and most people is often good. That doesn't mean I say things the correct way and I care about my friends.
Today I was watching a talk show and they criticized Madonna for her appearance and what she said when she gave a speech about how Aretha Franklin influenced her life. My thoughts were, I don't believe Madonna meant for her speech to come off as rude or her talking too much about herself and not enough about Aretha Franklin. It is easy for all of us to criticize and I know I have been just as guilty but we could all benefit from asking people what their intention about what they said or did was. Our perspective may change. That is the other thing with intention, perspective. We all have a certain perspective on things. Sometimes we could all do with a dose of others perspective. Look at these tweets from famous people that get people all upset. Most of these people have no ill intent and are horrified by peoples reactions. They just see something from a different perspective. Those sharing something personal aren't all wrong until some person decides to be critical and or sees something from a different perspective. They mutilate the poor person who may have just shared a personal thought or picture with good intentions not expecting to be ripped apart and being black balled. We all make mistakes but expect everyone to be perfect. It is true not everyone has good intentions and there are plenty of passive aggressive people. We know who those people are in our lives. However we don't know all these famous people or those on the internet who someone maybe tearing apart. It would be great if we showed a little compassion when we want to criticize and ask ourselves if we really think that person was trying to be mean or offensive. I know that I can be down right mean when I mean to and I am not usually passive aggressive. I just get aggressive and I often warn those who my aggression is going to affect. Like my husband. If he keeps throwing things away that I have put aside for a future dates use. I tell him I will just buy it again but possibly in multiples and that it will come out of his paycheck. He doesn't like that and it makes him think about throwing something away. He asks more than he used to before throwing things away because I have made good on my aggression. The point here is that I plan to try and implement more compassion as I have been on the side of foot and mouth and want to run and hide while crying my eyes out. I love most people and only have the best of intentions and it kills me that someone would think ill of me or misunderstand my intent. I know my writing skills lack please forgive.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Friday, March 14, 2014
Falling in love over and over with the same person
Those who have been married for a while. Have you ever noticed that in marriage sometimes over the years you find yourself not as in love with the person you married? Personally I like my husband but I get critical and start to doubt how much I care for him. I usually don't let that get too far. I start a list in my head of all of the loving things he does for me and our daughter. The things I admire about him and I appreciate that I genuinely like him. I can go back and forth to try and remind myself how blessed that I am to have him in my life. I do get ornery with him and often he will basically tell me to knock it off. I appreciate that.
Lately I have had some horrible side effects from a medication that I took for the IVF that I am having done. It has created monstrous mood swings along with other side effects. I feel so horrible for our little girl. She has been home alone with me through these nasty mood swings. I have been incredibly irritable. Since she is only four she can be very irritating which triggers my anger and I have been so hard on her. I was explaining my side effects to the IVF coordinator today. One of the things I mentioned is how terrible I feel that my daughter is baring the brunt of these moods and I hate it. I try so hard to rationalize things going on in my head. She asked if I was rotten to my husband as well. I told her that I haven't been bad with him but I know he will tell me where to stick it. Then I went on to tell her that when I was pregnant with our daughter I felt very aggressive but never at my husband. She said that is so odd. Usually women take it out on their husbands. I explained to her that I felt safe with him as he would give me my shots that were to stop me from losing my baby (this is how my mind viewed those shots and him caring for me). I had two prior miscarriages and I wanted to have a baby so badly. So I didn't want to lose him or make him upset, needed his love. She said that was very smart of you. He was my support and cared when I knew others might not. It is interesting how I am starting to feel that way about him again. Even though I have been literally insane for a day or two he has been so kind. When he comes home he makes sure to be extra kind and loving to both of us. I forget sometimes how safe and secure he makes me feel. I feel like I am falling in love all over again. I know, I know it is probably a lot of the hormones that they have been pumping into me. I am grateful for him and that he steps up to the plate when I need him the most. I wish I would not become complacent over time and forget to treat him with the respect and love that he deserves. Why is marriage a bit like a roller coaster with all of it's ups and downs? One minute you are in love and another you begin to just get a little lost in the day to day things in life. One thing that I am grateful for is that over all I really do like my husband (most days) and he feels like home to me. He always seems to love me even when I don't deserve it. I wonder sometimes what makes him love me. It is a curious thing how I can fall in love with my husband over and over. I wonder how many times that will happen over the years throughout our marriage. I hope that it happens often. I have watched other couples through the years. Some of them mostly older people seem like their relationship has like a little magic spark that seems to keep them in love. You can see it in the way they look at one another. There are so many unhappy couples. People that I thought have decent marriages but now they are starting to fall apart. I am grateful to have a husband who really loves and cares for me. I am so sad when I see or hear of others who can't find a way to love their spouse. We all want that wonderful happy marriage. The thing is there are times when we have lows and things can be a little rough. They key is to find a way to fall in love again. I understand that it takes both people and sometimes there isn't much you can do if the other person isn't willing. I remember as a child listening to a sermon in church one Sunday. He said that he and his wife were not doing well in their relationship. They were discussing divorce. He was praying to God one day and he heard God say, "Orange juice!" Orange juice, what in the world? What was he to do with that? So he decided that he would try it out. Every morning he got up early before his wife and would make fresh orange juice and set the glass beside the bed on her night stand. He did this for quite some time. After a while he noticed that his wife was starting to warm up to him. They were beginning to talk and get along. One day she asked him how she knew that she adored fresh orange juice. Finally he told her that God told him, "orange juice." They were able to rekindle their relationship and it all started with orange juice. That was how he was able to get his wife to fall in love with him again. I pray that all of my friends find their orange juice over and over again throughout their marriage.
Lately I have had some horrible side effects from a medication that I took for the IVF that I am having done. It has created monstrous mood swings along with other side effects. I feel so horrible for our little girl. She has been home alone with me through these nasty mood swings. I have been incredibly irritable. Since she is only four she can be very irritating which triggers my anger and I have been so hard on her. I was explaining my side effects to the IVF coordinator today. One of the things I mentioned is how terrible I feel that my daughter is baring the brunt of these moods and I hate it. I try so hard to rationalize things going on in my head. She asked if I was rotten to my husband as well. I told her that I haven't been bad with him but I know he will tell me where to stick it. Then I went on to tell her that when I was pregnant with our daughter I felt very aggressive but never at my husband. She said that is so odd. Usually women take it out on their husbands. I explained to her that I felt safe with him as he would give me my shots that were to stop me from losing my baby (this is how my mind viewed those shots and him caring for me). I had two prior miscarriages and I wanted to have a baby so badly. So I didn't want to lose him or make him upset, needed his love. She said that was very smart of you. He was my support and cared when I knew others might not. It is interesting how I am starting to feel that way about him again. Even though I have been literally insane for a day or two he has been so kind. When he comes home he makes sure to be extra kind and loving to both of us. I forget sometimes how safe and secure he makes me feel. I feel like I am falling in love all over again. I know, I know it is probably a lot of the hormones that they have been pumping into me. I am grateful for him and that he steps up to the plate when I need him the most. I wish I would not become complacent over time and forget to treat him with the respect and love that he deserves. Why is marriage a bit like a roller coaster with all of it's ups and downs? One minute you are in love and another you begin to just get a little lost in the day to day things in life. One thing that I am grateful for is that over all I really do like my husband (most days) and he feels like home to me. He always seems to love me even when I don't deserve it. I wonder sometimes what makes him love me. It is a curious thing how I can fall in love with my husband over and over. I wonder how many times that will happen over the years throughout our marriage. I hope that it happens often. I have watched other couples through the years. Some of them mostly older people seem like their relationship has like a little magic spark that seems to keep them in love. You can see it in the way they look at one another. There are so many unhappy couples. People that I thought have decent marriages but now they are starting to fall apart. I am grateful to have a husband who really loves and cares for me. I am so sad when I see or hear of others who can't find a way to love their spouse. We all want that wonderful happy marriage. The thing is there are times when we have lows and things can be a little rough. They key is to find a way to fall in love again. I understand that it takes both people and sometimes there isn't much you can do if the other person isn't willing. I remember as a child listening to a sermon in church one Sunday. He said that he and his wife were not doing well in their relationship. They were discussing divorce. He was praying to God one day and he heard God say, "Orange juice!" Orange juice, what in the world? What was he to do with that? So he decided that he would try it out. Every morning he got up early before his wife and would make fresh orange juice and set the glass beside the bed on her night stand. He did this for quite some time. After a while he noticed that his wife was starting to warm up to him. They were beginning to talk and get along. One day she asked him how she knew that she adored fresh orange juice. Finally he told her that God told him, "orange juice." They were able to rekindle their relationship and it all started with orange juice. That was how he was able to get his wife to fall in love with him again. I pray that all of my friends find their orange juice over and over again throughout their marriage.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
the little girl-by John Micheal Montgomery with lyrics in the descriptio...
I hadn't heard this song in a long time and was listening to the words after dropping my daughter off at pre-school. I am so grateful my child doesn't have to experience this. I do love the ending of this story. I cried and cried listening to it.
I remembered Jesus dreams would help me through nightmares during my childhood thanks to a pastor who taught me when I would wake up with a bad dream to think of Jesus. I would imagine him laughing, holding my hand and playing with me. This would help me fall back asleep and have wonderful dreams.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Finding myself having a pity party and I am the only one invited- PLEASE Don't read if you want to be uplifted
I am married and have a child. How is it that I can feel so lonely? I have decided that much of my problem must be me. Why else do I have so much trouble keeping close friendships and family? I do love my husband and child very much. Thank you God for Bob and Kendra too!
I have been wallowing in that sadness caused from so many lost relationships with friends and loved ones. Moving caused me to lose so many friends that I truly adored. People who I once enjoyed so much turned acquaintances. For me that is a tragedy. I have tried to make friends but it never seems to pan out. I feel like I do so much work to keep them. I try not to push because shouldn't people want to be your friend? I used to think that I was a likable person and maybe I was in my own talkative way.
I have noticed that I have become so negative. I guess it is because of the experiences that I have had trying to be chipper and friendly. It started when I moved to Las Vegas. The insurance job sure was a downer. People were always so serious and I was often a goof ball, that began to change over time. I had a baby and was so aggressive (I think it was the hormones) toward strangers. I never really did anything but my thoughts were certainly not kind. I have felt so critical and I know that is usually fear and or insecurity coming out. I had been liking myself more and more before I moved to this town and I find I don't really like who I am now and I feel so insecure. I used to like people and thought nice things about them. When in public I look at people and worry how they will hurt me or my child and make my life difficult by their selfish actions.
What really doesn't help is that my sister has decided that she will no longer talk to me because of my Mother's actions. She has done this a lot to me when she has been upset with my Mother in the past. I am so tired of her treating me this way. I have spent so many wasted hours listening to her problems, which are always the same. She continues to be in an abusive relationship with her husband. My Mother and I have been her sounding board for years.
The most recent problem was when she hadn't been talking to my Mother and she finally called me after two or three weeks to let me know both of her girls were sick. She said one may have cushings and the other she wasn't sure at the time but was have tremors in her arms. The next day she told me that one of her daughters was told by her teacher after she just came back to school from an appointment with a doctor who had run some tests, that her Mother should get a second opinion. The she sent her to the back of the class and had her put a towel over her arm. I asked her if she was going to go to the school and complain. She quickly changed the subject. That same child has been bullied by teachers in the past and Desiree has done nothing about it. I mentioned this to my Mom and she took things into her own hands by e-mailing the whole school board with her complaint. By my Mother doing this she has caused Desiree to not speak to me. I tried messaging her daughter to find out how she is doing she reluctantly told me that she has essential tremors. I asked if the doctors could help her and never got a response. On Facebook my niece made a comment about being bored on her birthday and I asked if she had a party and she erased the comment. I have un-friended all of Desiree's family. Somehow I have been a bad person. So yes I am sensitive to being ignored and found it better for me to cut it off.
I have also told my Mother who has been lecturing me for years on my bad behaviors and habits on everything from how I order food in a drive thru to me getting upset with bad drivers that from now on it would be best if we just e-mail.
So here I sit girl friendless and less family than I should have. No one is available to call and talk to other than my 80 year old going blind Grandma. She is funny and we laugh a lot but I don't share this with her. I used to love people. I was very kind, like my Grandma, even when people would hurt my feelings and say mean things I was still nice. The last few years I have noticed I am not as friendly and can be mean, so I won't be hurt by those hot and cold (I hate hot and cold, I would rather you just not like me and I know where I stand) people that I am acquainted with. I get nervous around those who I liked so much. I ran into a couple the other day in the store and I found myself so nervous. My thoughts were "I know that I have gained weight and what must they think." When they left I worried, "Was I friendly or standoffish? Did they notice how nervous I felt? Why am I so nervous and worried about? I really like them and I hope that they were serious about going to breakfast sometime". Reading what I just wrote makes me sound so pathetic but it is honest. I wonder how many people are really honest about how they think or feel. I am sure not many.
I continually worry that my insecurities about myself and depression will somehow effect my child. I keep praying that her having her Father in her life unlike I did and one who isn't abusive like my Father was, will make her secure in who she is. My biggest weakness is being so insecure. I have always felt that I would be much more likable if it weren't for that. I have often wondered how to gain self worth and not feel so insecure. I watch how people respond to me and it hurts when I can see they don't like me. I realize it must be something in my personality that they don't like. Maybe something I said or do is off putting to them. I so wish that I had been born into an average family of people who weren't abusive, eccentric and so on. I have tried to be myself and not be too weird but I must be. Heck, I am not interesting enough to keep friends. I know that people get busy, as do I but it would be nice to have a friend I could call and just chat with. I had a wonderful friend that I met at the park who is now too ill to talk. I miss her and the person she was before her illness changed her.
I worry that I am becoming bitter and mean(at least in my thoughts). I think it is stupid of people to tell you that you have thin skin and need to toughen up. Here is what this tells someone who is sensitive and insecure. There is something wrong with getting your feelings hurt and you need to stop. Hello, the only way that you really never get hurt feelings it to stop caring. If a person who is caring for others stops caring we usually become bitter and mean. I think this is one of many things that I feel is changing in me. I long to have friends yet I don't want to be around them for fear of being hurt. I keep praying that God will help me with all of this. I want to be happy again and friendly. Without worry that people will be mean. Sometimes I feel like the only people who really like me are my husband, Grandma and Mom (even with her criticism she still likes and loves me). I know a lot of the loss of friends is just due to out of sight out of mind and not being a part of their daily lives.
Well I should end this. I figure it is therapeutic to write it all out. Now is this one that I will erase or submit?
I have been wallowing in that sadness caused from so many lost relationships with friends and loved ones. Moving caused me to lose so many friends that I truly adored. People who I once enjoyed so much turned acquaintances. For me that is a tragedy. I have tried to make friends but it never seems to pan out. I feel like I do so much work to keep them. I try not to push because shouldn't people want to be your friend? I used to think that I was a likable person and maybe I was in my own talkative way.
I have noticed that I have become so negative. I guess it is because of the experiences that I have had trying to be chipper and friendly. It started when I moved to Las Vegas. The insurance job sure was a downer. People were always so serious and I was often a goof ball, that began to change over time. I had a baby and was so aggressive (I think it was the hormones) toward strangers. I never really did anything but my thoughts were certainly not kind. I have felt so critical and I know that is usually fear and or insecurity coming out. I had been liking myself more and more before I moved to this town and I find I don't really like who I am now and I feel so insecure. I used to like people and thought nice things about them. When in public I look at people and worry how they will hurt me or my child and make my life difficult by their selfish actions.
What really doesn't help is that my sister has decided that she will no longer talk to me because of my Mother's actions. She has done this a lot to me when she has been upset with my Mother in the past. I am so tired of her treating me this way. I have spent so many wasted hours listening to her problems, which are always the same. She continues to be in an abusive relationship with her husband. My Mother and I have been her sounding board for years.
The most recent problem was when she hadn't been talking to my Mother and she finally called me after two or three weeks to let me know both of her girls were sick. She said one may have cushings and the other she wasn't sure at the time but was have tremors in her arms. The next day she told me that one of her daughters was told by her teacher after she just came back to school from an appointment with a doctor who had run some tests, that her Mother should get a second opinion. The she sent her to the back of the class and had her put a towel over her arm. I asked her if she was going to go to the school and complain. She quickly changed the subject. That same child has been bullied by teachers in the past and Desiree has done nothing about it. I mentioned this to my Mom and she took things into her own hands by e-mailing the whole school board with her complaint. By my Mother doing this she has caused Desiree to not speak to me. I tried messaging her daughter to find out how she is doing she reluctantly told me that she has essential tremors. I asked if the doctors could help her and never got a response. On Facebook my niece made a comment about being bored on her birthday and I asked if she had a party and she erased the comment. I have un-friended all of Desiree's family. Somehow I have been a bad person. So yes I am sensitive to being ignored and found it better for me to cut it off.
I have also told my Mother who has been lecturing me for years on my bad behaviors and habits on everything from how I order food in a drive thru to me getting upset with bad drivers that from now on it would be best if we just e-mail.
So here I sit girl friendless and less family than I should have. No one is available to call and talk to other than my 80 year old going blind Grandma. She is funny and we laugh a lot but I don't share this with her. I used to love people. I was very kind, like my Grandma, even when people would hurt my feelings and say mean things I was still nice. The last few years I have noticed I am not as friendly and can be mean, so I won't be hurt by those hot and cold (I hate hot and cold, I would rather you just not like me and I know where I stand) people that I am acquainted with. I get nervous around those who I liked so much. I ran into a couple the other day in the store and I found myself so nervous. My thoughts were "I know that I have gained weight and what must they think." When they left I worried, "Was I friendly or standoffish? Did they notice how nervous I felt? Why am I so nervous and worried about? I really like them and I hope that they were serious about going to breakfast sometime". Reading what I just wrote makes me sound so pathetic but it is honest. I wonder how many people are really honest about how they think or feel. I am sure not many.
I continually worry that my insecurities about myself and depression will somehow effect my child. I keep praying that her having her Father in her life unlike I did and one who isn't abusive like my Father was, will make her secure in who she is. My biggest weakness is being so insecure. I have always felt that I would be much more likable if it weren't for that. I have often wondered how to gain self worth and not feel so insecure. I watch how people respond to me and it hurts when I can see they don't like me. I realize it must be something in my personality that they don't like. Maybe something I said or do is off putting to them. I so wish that I had been born into an average family of people who weren't abusive, eccentric and so on. I have tried to be myself and not be too weird but I must be. Heck, I am not interesting enough to keep friends. I know that people get busy, as do I but it would be nice to have a friend I could call and just chat with. I had a wonderful friend that I met at the park who is now too ill to talk. I miss her and the person she was before her illness changed her.
I worry that I am becoming bitter and mean(at least in my thoughts). I think it is stupid of people to tell you that you have thin skin and need to toughen up. Here is what this tells someone who is sensitive and insecure. There is something wrong with getting your feelings hurt and you need to stop. Hello, the only way that you really never get hurt feelings it to stop caring. If a person who is caring for others stops caring we usually become bitter and mean. I think this is one of many things that I feel is changing in me. I long to have friends yet I don't want to be around them for fear of being hurt. I keep praying that God will help me with all of this. I want to be happy again and friendly. Without worry that people will be mean. Sometimes I feel like the only people who really like me are my husband, Grandma and Mom (even with her criticism she still likes and loves me). I know a lot of the loss of friends is just due to out of sight out of mind and not being a part of their daily lives.
Well I should end this. I figure it is therapeutic to write it all out. Now is this one that I will erase or submit?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My lack of ambition to be thin
I think all these Mom's (who are friends) on Facebook that are so dedicated to exercising are amazing. I don't seem to be very good at following through (I think I am lazy and know that I hate exercising). I do well for three or four days and then poof back to not exercising. I am so impressed by all of these beautiful Mom's who are dedicated to looking wonderful.
Every time I read about their work outs or how they feel sore from exercise. I am happy for them but I feel so lousy about my lack of dedication to getting in shape and eating right. Continually beating my self up mentally for being fat. I look at old pictures of when I was thin and think maybe I should try to get that way again to look good in clothes before I am so old that no matter what size I am I will be old and wrinkly. I will look back in time and see I avoided cameras because I looked like a moose. Those were the years I should have looked thinner and prettier. If I keep gaining weight my kids may get embarrassed that they have the fat Mom. I don't like being around friends as much because even though they would never say it to my face in their mind at some point they will look at me and think, "Wow, Valerie has put on some weight". This doesn't mean they don't like me but in the back of their mind they may think, "Too bad she can't try to loose some weight. She would sure look a lot nicer.".
All of this makes me want to hide out so nobody can see me. I know that by feeling this way it should somehow give me the ambition to work on this problem. Question for myself is why am I not doing anything about it? Only answer I can come up with is that I am too lazy and don't want to stop eating all of the wrong things. Then I ask myself would I rather eat the fat than look good? Answer seems to be yes (I wish it weren't true). Why is that? Some part of me feels very deprived when I can't have what it is that I am wanting. To know that my husband may tell me, "You don't need that". In my mind I know I don't but I sure am craving it and I am going to have it. After I eat it I feel horrible. Nothing is really satisfying. So here is the next question for my self. What is the real problem? To tell the honest truth, " I hate living in Las Vegas where it is hot (for me) 8months out of the year and it makes me feel worn out just going to the store in 90-113 degree weather. I don't do well in the heat and never have. I am always hot here! I miss having friends to talk to like I did when I lived up North. I call people but they are never home because they have busy lives. Or those with kids I don't want to bother. I love and adore both my husband and daughter but I miss being able to find someone to not only talk to and but listen to, too. I miss hearing about peoples lives both past and present. I miss laughing with people. I do laugh with my family but it would be nice to expand that circle.
I know people have suggested parents groups, churches and other things but it isn't the same to me. The people are not the same. They don't talk about the stuff that all those other people talked about. Nobody cares about other people experiences other than their own because they are so busy. Which puts the value of the relationship in a very limited capacity. I love it when people make me think. The weather (unless it is extreme weather like tornado's, hurricanes, etc) and what people have to do is very boring. Now what people experience? That is much more interesting. You can go to the bank. But when you to the bank and something happens maybe you see a three legged dog who walks on his hind legs or you are able to chat with someone in line and they too have a great story. These are the things that make life interesting.
Wow, I went off on a tangent! Big surprise to those who know me, that is so me.
To go back to my original problem. Here is the big question, will I ever be thin again? Will I ever gain the will power need to lose some weight? I sure hope so. I hate being fat but I guess I haven't hated it enough to do anything about it but feel bad about how I look to myself and others. Clothes shopping is something I dread. I look so large and nothing fits well.
I hope if you are reading this that you don't feel like I have wasted your time. If you feel that way. I am sorry but it does feel good to get some of my thoughts out. Thank you for your time.
Every time I read about their work outs or how they feel sore from exercise. I am happy for them but I feel so lousy about my lack of dedication to getting in shape and eating right. Continually beating my self up mentally for being fat. I look at old pictures of when I was thin and think maybe I should try to get that way again to look good in clothes before I am so old that no matter what size I am I will be old and wrinkly. I will look back in time and see I avoided cameras because I looked like a moose. Those were the years I should have looked thinner and prettier. If I keep gaining weight my kids may get embarrassed that they have the fat Mom. I don't like being around friends as much because even though they would never say it to my face in their mind at some point they will look at me and think, "Wow, Valerie has put on some weight". This doesn't mean they don't like me but in the back of their mind they may think, "Too bad she can't try to loose some weight. She would sure look a lot nicer.".
All of this makes me want to hide out so nobody can see me. I know that by feeling this way it should somehow give me the ambition to work on this problem. Question for myself is why am I not doing anything about it? Only answer I can come up with is that I am too lazy and don't want to stop eating all of the wrong things. Then I ask myself would I rather eat the fat than look good? Answer seems to be yes (I wish it weren't true). Why is that? Some part of me feels very deprived when I can't have what it is that I am wanting. To know that my husband may tell me, "You don't need that". In my mind I know I don't but I sure am craving it and I am going to have it. After I eat it I feel horrible. Nothing is really satisfying. So here is the next question for my self. What is the real problem? To tell the honest truth, " I hate living in Las Vegas where it is hot (for me) 8months out of the year and it makes me feel worn out just going to the store in 90-113 degree weather. I don't do well in the heat and never have. I am always hot here! I miss having friends to talk to like I did when I lived up North. I call people but they are never home because they have busy lives. Or those with kids I don't want to bother. I love and adore both my husband and daughter but I miss being able to find someone to not only talk to and but listen to, too. I miss hearing about peoples lives both past and present. I miss laughing with people. I do laugh with my family but it would be nice to expand that circle.
I know people have suggested parents groups, churches and other things but it isn't the same to me. The people are not the same. They don't talk about the stuff that all those other people talked about. Nobody cares about other people experiences other than their own because they are so busy. Which puts the value of the relationship in a very limited capacity. I love it when people make me think. The weather (unless it is extreme weather like tornado's, hurricanes, etc) and what people have to do is very boring. Now what people experience? That is much more interesting. You can go to the bank. But when you to the bank and something happens maybe you see a three legged dog who walks on his hind legs or you are able to chat with someone in line and they too have a great story. These are the things that make life interesting.
Wow, I went off on a tangent! Big surprise to those who know me, that is so me.
To go back to my original problem. Here is the big question, will I ever be thin again? Will I ever gain the will power need to lose some weight? I sure hope so. I hate being fat but I guess I haven't hated it enough to do anything about it but feel bad about how I look to myself and others. Clothes shopping is something I dread. I look so large and nothing fits well.
I hope if you are reading this that you don't feel like I have wasted your time. If you feel that way. I am sorry but it does feel good to get some of my thoughts out. Thank you for your time.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends! It was a relaxing day with yummy food!
Tomorrow will be busy with me working on Black Friday! I am sure it will be hecktic.
Tomorrow will be busy with me working on Black Friday! I am sure it will be hecktic.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Giggles
It is the simple things in life that are so wonderful. Kendra loves socks and shoes. This morning when I was putting Kendra's socks on she was having the best time. She giggled everytime I tried to pull the sock on her foot. I love it when we can be silly, snuggle and giggle together. It makes all the times when things are not so fun worth all the effort.
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