Finding myself having a pity party and I am the only one invited- PLEASE Don't read if you want to be uplifted

I am married and have a child.  How is it that I can feel so lonely?  I have decided that much of my problem must be me.  Why else do I have so much trouble keeping close friendships and family?  I do love my husband and child very much.  Thank you God for Bob and Kendra too! 

I have been wallowing in that sadness caused from so many lost relationships with friends and loved ones.  Moving caused me to lose so many friends that I truly adored.  People who I once enjoyed so much turned acquaintances.  For me that is a tragedy.  I have tried to make friends but it never seems to pan out.  I feel like I do so much work to keep them.  I try not to push because shouldn't people want to be your friend?  I used to think that I was a likable person and maybe I was in my own talkative way. 

I have noticed that I have become so negative.  I guess it is because of the experiences that I have had trying to be chipper and friendly.  It started when I moved to Las Vegas.  The insurance job sure was a downer.  People were always so serious and I was often a goof ball, that began to change over time.  I had a baby and was so aggressive  (I think it was the hormones) toward strangers.  I never really did anything but my thoughts were certainly not kind.  I have felt so critical and I know that is usually fear and or insecurity coming out.  I had been liking myself more and more before I moved to this town and I find I don't really like who I am now and I feel so insecure.  I used to like people and thought nice things about them.  When in public I look at people and worry how they will hurt me or my child and make my life difficult by their selfish actions. 

What really doesn't help is that my sister has decided that she will no longer talk to me because of my Mother's actions.  She has done this a lot to me when she has been upset with my Mother in the past.  I am so tired of her treating me this way.  I have spent so many wasted hours listening to her problems, which are always the same.  She continues to be in an abusive relationship with her husband.  My Mother and I have been her sounding board for years.

The most recent problem was when she hadn't been talking to my Mother and she finally called me after two or three weeks to let me know both of her girls were sick.  She said one may have cushings and the other she wasn't sure at the time but was have tremors in her arms.  The next day she told me that one of her daughters was told by her teacher after she just came back to school from an appointment with a doctor who had run some tests, that her Mother should get a second opinion.  The she sent her to the back of the class and had her put a towel over her arm.  I asked her if she was going to go to the school and complain.  She quickly changed the subject.  That same child has been bullied by teachers in the past and Desiree has done nothing about it.    I mentioned this to my Mom and she took things into her own hands by e-mailing the whole school board with her complaint.  By my Mother doing this she has caused Desiree to not speak to me.  I tried messaging her daughter to find out how she is doing she reluctantly told me that she has essential tremors.  I asked if the doctors could help her and never got a response.  On Facebook my niece made a comment about being bored on her birthday and I asked if she had a party and she erased the comment.  I have un-friended all of Desiree's family.  Somehow I have been a bad person.  So yes I am sensitive to being ignored and found it better for me to cut it off. 

I have also told my Mother who has been lecturing me for years on my bad behaviors and habits on everything from how I order food in a drive thru to me getting upset with bad drivers that from now on it would be best if we just e-mail. 

So here I sit girl friendless and less family than I should have.  No one is available to call and talk to other than my 80 year old going blind Grandma.  She is funny and we laugh a lot but I don't share this with her.  I used to love people.  I was very kind, like my Grandma, even when people would hurt my feelings and say mean things I was still nice.  The last few years I have noticed I am not as friendly and can be mean, so I won't be hurt by those hot and cold (I hate hot and cold, I would rather you just not like me and I know where I stand) people that I am acquainted with.  I get nervous around those who I liked so much.  I ran into a couple the other day in the store and I found myself so nervous.  My thoughts were "I know that I have gained weight and what must they think."  When they left I worried, "Was I friendly or standoffish?  Did they notice how nervous I felt?  Why am I so nervous and worried about?  I really like them and I hope that they were serious about going to breakfast sometime".  Reading what I just wrote makes me sound so pathetic but it is honest.  I wonder how many people are really honest about how they think or feel.  I am sure not many. 

I continually worry that my insecurities about myself and depression will somehow effect my child.   I keep praying that her having her Father in her life unlike I did and one who isn't abusive like my Father was, will make her secure in who she is.  My biggest weakness is being so insecure.  I have always felt that I would be much more likable if it weren't for that. I have often wondered how to gain self worth and not feel so insecure.  I watch how people respond to me and it hurts when I can see they don't like me.  I realize it must be something in my personality that they don't like.  Maybe something I said or do is off putting to them.  I so wish that I had been born into an average family of people who weren't abusive, eccentric and so on.  I have tried to be myself and not be too weird but I must be.  Heck, I am not interesting enough to keep friends.  I know that people get busy, as do I but it would be nice to have a friend I could call and just chat with.  I had a wonderful friend that I met at the park who is now too ill to talk.  I miss her and the person she was before her illness changed her. 

I worry that I am becoming bitter and mean(at least in my thoughts).  I think it is stupid of people to tell you that you have thin skin and need to toughen up.  Here is what this tells someone who is sensitive and insecure.  There is something wrong with getting your feelings hurt and you need to stop.  Hello, the only way that you really never get hurt feelings it to stop caring.  If a person who is caring for others stops caring we usually become bitter and mean.  I think this is one of many things that I feel is changing in me.  I long to have friends yet I don't want to be around them for fear of being hurt.  I keep praying that God will help me with all of this.  I want to be happy again and friendly.  Without worry that people will be mean.  Sometimes I feel like the only people who really like me are my husband, Grandma and Mom (even with her criticism she still likes and loves me).  I know a lot of the loss of friends is just due to out of sight out of mind and not being a part of their daily lives. 

Well I should end this.  I figure it is therapeutic to write it all out.  Now is this one that I will erase or submit?